As regular readers have heard me say (probably ad nauseam), my goal is to be happy, peaceful and content…no matter what is happening in my life. Originally, what this meant to me was finding a way to feel okay even if the circumstances around me were not. To feel happy, peaceful and content even if I didn’t have enough money, even if I were sick, even if all the scary things I worry about came true.
This required a re-set of some lifelong beliefs about affirmations and creating our own reality. For years I, have followed the practice – with some success – of forming a clear idea of exactly what I want, then affirming it as a reality in more or less specific terms. For instance, “I have more than $10,000 in my bank account” or at least, “I have all the money I need”. But this new goal turns all that on its ear. Being happy, peaceful and content no matter what requires allowing for the possibility of not having enough money, of perhaps being destitute. That’s a hard concept.
But I came to see it as kind of like the genie and the three wishes. I mean, most of us by the age of about 10 realized the trick there was to have Wish #1 be unlimited wishes. And this is really the same thing. Let’s face it, we want the things we want – health, wealth, companionship, etc. – because we believe those things will make us happy. So why not cut to the chase?
So I’ve been doing pretty well with this mental, or maybe metaphysical, turnabout. Even while facing some challenges, including watching my bank account dip to zero. (Then, as readers know, there was as odd turn of events that shored me up financially.)
But what has surprised me is that lately I’ve been feeling, not unhappy, but not very peaceful and rather discontent. It’s surprising because my life right now is wonderful. I have plenty of money for the foreseeable future; I have pretty much unlimited freedom to do exactly and only what I want to do every day; I am completely healthy, mobile, and pain-free; I have wonderful friends and family and a loving and supportive partner who makes me laugh; I live in a comfortable and beautiful home surrounded by kind and helpful neighbors…and I’ll stop there because I’m becoming obnoxious. But you get the idea. How can I not be happy, peaceful and content? How dare I not?
I’m not sure what the answer is. I’ve been trying to “figure it out” (always a mistake with this kind of thing) and I’ve been judging myself very harshly for being ungrateful, unfocused, un-a bunch of things (again, always a mistake). So I decided to write about it because sometimes that brings clarity…eventually. I’ll let you know.